6 things I’m doing different in 2022
It’s a new year and for me that means opportunity for a new cycle. As I continue to break old habits and replace them with better ones, I’m finding that my life is starting to line up with my vision.
With that said. I want to share six things that I’ve committed to changing/improving this year, 2022, to get me closer to experiencing my dream life in real life.
Like many of you, I’ve grown a bit tired of the annual “New year, new me” posts that flood our timeline during the first and last few weeks of each year. It’s because I’ve been around long enough to confidently say, it’s the same shit. People either want to:
Loose weight, or
Get in a relationship, or
End a toxic relationship, or
Own a business, or
Get out of debt, etc.
What I rarely see on the forefront is a person addressing the habit that has been keeping the unhealthy cycles going.
I thoroughly enjoy laughing memes and other forms of imagery that jokingly remind us of pretty much every undesirable occurrence that haunts our memory.
Then there’re the memes for those who’ve discovered boundaries:
“If you gotta choose, than don’t chose me!”
“This year I’m gonna start saying no.”
And the list goes on. I’ve discovered that it’s more effective to say these sorts of things directly to the person who’s wronged you, rather that making a public post about a personal situation in hopes that your perceived enemy reads it.
I do not check for people I don’t fuck with [.] No time.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the “What we not doing in 20whatever, and “we leaving ____ in 20__”, except for the fact that more often than not, it’s the actual resolution that ends up getting left in 20__.
This brings me to my first order of business.
Number one of the six things that I desperately want and need to change this year is finishing what I start.
The Follow-through
I didn’t understand our nation’s obsession with basketball until I saw a really good game several years ago between The Golden State Warriors and OKC. I was boo’d up and semi-watching the game, laying across the couch with my head in my man’s lap, face up at the time.
I finally started paying attention mid-third quarter and one player quickly grabbed my attention.
“Bae that number 30 don’t miss!”
He laughed and jumped at the opportunity to educate me on this gentleman’s entire college and NBA career.
“Who Steph?” Like they hooped together back in the day or something.
“Yeah his dad is such & such and played for…”, “His brother play in the NBA too…” and then came all the of the stats on stats that fans enjoy arguing over while getting wasted at the local sports bar,
Me being me, I was more interested in how he got so good. Was he a prodigy? Was it the same type of hard work that my track coach used to preach about? Who was his Obi Won?
Eventually I found myself watching highlights and tuning into Golden State games without my then-boyfriend having to be around. I even learned that when they played certain teams, the “stars” basically had the night off. Which was interesting to me, as if the win was assumed before the game started. Or maybe they had to sit out to maintain fair competition? Idk. I also learned what an “upset” was. For those who don’t know, it’s basically when the underdog, or least favored team wins. That’s my understanding.
About a year ago, I came across a sponsored ad for a Master Class, taught by Number 30. I already had a subscription so I hopped on the app and watched the entire course, not that I was trying to fulfill any hoop-dreams, just to see what I could learn from him. Here were a few of my takeaways:
How to not miss.
In my first blog, I talked about how my lack of commitment manifested as lack of talent on the track. Well, there was one other incident that occurred on the asphalt. I busted my ass!
Thankfully, it was during a Sunday practice. This cut down the potential witnesses drastically. Had it been a school day, I’m sure it would’ve made the high school newsletter.
”Jewel Diamond, class cutie AND class klutz”
Basically, I tripped over a hurdle at full speed. When I finally came to a stop, after skidding on the asphalt for several feet, I hopped up, looked at the pebbles and rocks that were embedded in my hands, and started walking. I walked past my teammates, and then past my coach announcing “I QUIT!” while trying to process what had just happened.
I was headed to the crib.
As I approached the student parking lot, my coach caught up with me with a light jog.
Still laughing and doing a horrible job hiding it, he asked if I was o.k.. It’s cool, I kind of wanted to laugh too. Looking down at my hands I said, “yeah”. His initial response was “Look, I can’t let you quit.” Then he paused, took a breath, looked away, and then back at down at me and said, “You can quit if you want to, but you should always finish what you start.”
That really stuck with me.
I bring this up because in Steph Curry’s Master Class, he talks about what it took for him to perform at the level he does now. I don’t know why I was surprised when he shared how college recruiters weren’t really checking for him. Society sometimes leads us to believe that stars are born with talent. They are born, yes, but the talent is acquired.
And so, we find our hero, GSW #30, back in the gym, shooting, dribbling, shooting and more dribbling.
Another example, the Great Michael Jordan. Read about his career when you get a chance.
This leads me to the last thing coach said, before I decided to not quit, “some people are born with natural talent, and others have to work really hard to achieve that same level of talent.”
He was right to an extent. But me having a history of non-stop effortless wins at whatever I tried, made it hard for me to process what he was saying back then. I understood and agreed. It’s just that I had never been the person who had to “work really hard.”
Ego - 0 pts
Reality - 2 pts
I was stuck for a long time in many areas of my life because I struggled with the fact that I had reached a point in my life where I was going to have to do some work if I was going to perform well. A lot of work actually and it was pretty discouraging for a girl like me. Those childhood years where I excelled effortlessly had come to an end. Years of not having to really try caused me to subconsciously take for granted the value of applying maximum effort, even if you are good at something.
Consequently, this was the primary reason I started to rake up unfinished projects well into my adult years. Knowing that I should finish what I start, and worrying that I wouldn’t have what it takes to finish, I stopped trying, quitting before even getting started. It’s like I sort of developed this toxic way of protecting myself from disappointment. I had the subconscious belief that if I didn’t commit in the first place, then no harm would be done. Not true. By doing this, I was harming myself in more ways than one.
2. Get more fresh air
I definitely need to get out the house more.
Another way I’ve been “protecting” myself, especially these last couple of years has been through isolation. Needless to say the stay safe - stay home ordinances we’re no problem for me.
Please know, I don’t want to sound insensitive to those who lost very special people over these last couple of years. I truly empathize with the fact that it was a crazy time and I imagine people are still grieving the loss of family, friends and jobs just the same. I pray that things have gotten easier and that everyone finds a healthy way to cope with these major life transitions that have been sort of forced on the world these last couple of years.
Now, for me, the quarantine was a wish fulfilled. Working from home made it possible for me to not have to deal with downtown traffic and that one co-worker; this decreased my daily stress by a good ninety percent.
In addition to that, I really enjoyed being home with my then, my future ex. We rewatched GOT, hung with our quarantine friends (who ultimately proved to be traders), and slept-in here and there. It was great. Not to mention the stores being pretty much empty with people being afraid to leave their home. I was reminded of that Michael Jackson interview where he lets the cameras follow him around a very empty market. Can you imagine the level of customer service you get being the only patron in sight?
Then, maybe a few months in, I started to hear all this crazy talk about introverts this and isolation that. It’s always a hater man. Why can’t y’all just let us be?!
Up until recently, I was totally cool with not having to be around people, or, at best, having minimal interaction. But, I admit, even I have moments where I’m like “it would be nice to get out tonight”.
“… and then I realized, oh my god, I need people.” Ari Lennox, New Apartment
I need people too. Just not many. It’s not that I don’t like people, the reality of the whole thing is that I’m socially awkward. Always have been. Yes my upbringing played a major role but I’m grown now and it’s time I stopped avoiding being in public because of the public.
In my defense, I have been working on this. For at least two years in a row, I’ve made it to maybe seventy percent of family functions. That’s a huge leap from barely achieving one percent over the course of a decade. I’m basically the prodigal grandchild.
I struggle a lot with the fact that getting out requires me to be social to some extent.
I recently met up with my brother for a couple of beers at popular sports bar, not far from downtown. There was a dude sitting to my left, solo dolo. Just chilling, watching the Red Wings. Although I see guys do it all the time.that could never be me. It’s interesting, but a woman couldn’t get away with just chilling at the bar. It’s always a reason she’s alone, no one assumes that maybe, just maybe, she wanted to enjoy a cocktail while watching the latest Wendy Williams show, which I’ve actually done. Yes, on my lunch break - I can share this now that I’m self-employed.
“Hey miss lady why you by yo-self?”
“Where your man at?” (Most common)
And the infamous “Somebody sitting here?” in which I always respond “You”. Not to flirt - I suck at that. But I do take pride in being friendly.
Getting out and being social is the category that’s most likely going to give me the biggest challenge. I don’t know how to not be weird. The friends I have now have known me for many years and they get me. But they also have lives. I don’t expect them to be able to drop everything they’re doing just because I randomly decide it’s a good afternoon for brunch. Although that’s usually the case because I don’t do well with making actual plans.
You know what, we just gonna keep working on this one.
3. Being Decisive
For thee longest I’ve lived by default, just letting shit happen. Not cool. This has caused me to leave a lot of good experiences on the table. I’ve given away my right to choose and for the worst reasons and it’s cost me dearly.
I think it’s a combination of knowing I make bad choices and being afraid of making a choice that will negatively backfire. Heavy on the afraid part.
I first heard about this concept of living by default on The Secret, the movie that introduced and re-introduced a lot of people to the law of attraction. There are many universal laws by the way.
I put a lot of thought into this, and I realized for me, my lack of decisiveness had a lot to do with not realizing just how much power I had over my life. I grew up in such a controlled environment, I never really learned exactly how to do things for myself let alone trust my own judgment.
“Lean not into thy own understanding” was drilled into my subconscious for a period of eighteen-plus years. I’m going to take some time to read that very popular soundbite from the many times revised bible, so I can see the exact context for myself. But being told to not depend on your own understanding… that don’t make no damn sense at all. Why the hell we go to school, and sit through trainings… man, 90’s church. Smh.
ANYWAY, I’m grown now and thankfully have woken up and realize that I was taught some bullshit. If I don’t do anything else, I better trust what I know and learn what I don’t. And that’s how I plan to regain the confidence to make choices for myself.
Some choices I’ve made recently include ending draining relationships or at minimum, maintaining the required distance needed to protect my mental health.
Choosing my goals first, because there are at least three businesses turning profits as we speak and I have nothing to show for my efforts. “Efforts” is a major understatement by the way.
Choosing those who chose me. Yeah, my circle is pretty small. People know me, but unless they’ve been around several-plus years, they can’t say they really know me. I’m pretty guarded, and have adapted a private lifestyle. So when outsiders gossip, or speak on stuff they don’t really know about m, they tend to embarrass themselves;
“Naw that don’t sound like J.”
“If she did that, you definitely started it.”
These stories get back to me all the time, I rarely say anything, I just create distance and focus on the loyal ones.
And time; I’ve been real choosy with my time lately. Making lists, and then prioritizing the items on the list. It’s been a great exercise. After putting things into perspective in regards to how much time and money I was spending on getting people, or guys mostly to like me, I decided that money and time management would be my priority until I mastered it. I’m even going as far as to say, I’m holding off on dating until I get that aspect of my life in order.
Actually, make that seven months later because it’s damn near July and I’m just now getting close to half-way through this post in particular. #timemanagement lol. Seriously, business has just been good :-)
Ok back to it.
4. No longer forcing it. We’re going with the path of least resistance, yet in the desired direction. I’m done struggling.
5. Letting people be people and not taking things personal.
6. Ceasing the deferment of my power through lack of action and intention.
I believe if people knew how much power they relinquished daily by simply choosing to defer or ignore their responsibilities, we wouldn’t have to have the ‘accountability’ convo. A lot of us leaned at an early age to avoid what was difficult simply because it wasn’t enjoyable or due to the negative enforcement given by parents and other authoritative figures.
I would even go as far as to say most of us adults avoid the very things that were forced upon as children. Maybe this is why (poor grammar trigger warning) I ain’t got no kids. And it’s for damn sure why I stopped giving a fuck in a major way when it came down to the expectations of others for me. Once I realized I was failing as a daughter in my parent’s eyes, I basically chose to proverbially wash my hands of the role entirely.
It’s not that I was trying to be a bitch, my mental well-being was literally at stake. Sometimes the responsible thing to do is separate yourself. Sometimes you have to isolate yourself from a group, not necessarily society as a whole.
I was critically on the verge of not caring at all. And congratulations, you just witnessed me discover a personal trend. When I quit I QUIT!
But what I should’ve been doing is simply exercising my power. Using my knowledge to develop plans and be strategic with approaching my goals, jobs, and relationships.
At the end of the day, this has always been about being a mature adult. Not lame or boring, but wise.
This is a new beginning for me, and I hope at least some of you reading this will start to consider making the changes that are necessary for what you want to experience.
