The Woman in the Mirror

Hop on Google and look up “Self-reflection”, and you’ll find Oxford’s definition… actually, let me save you some time. It’s:

“meditation or serious thought about one's character, actions, and motives.”

I write a lot about my past, other’s past, the past. A “skimmer”, one who doesn’t think they need to read the whole [insert form of literature] could easily assume that I’m bitter and stuck in the past.
I am neither of those, not anymore at least. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel heat in my chest when I think about all of the times I’ve been played. If I didn’t, I would be struggling with enforcing boundaries in the present. Right now, I want to be clear as to why I’m always bringing up old stuff. Retrospection

“Looking back in retrospect, things I desired thought I’d never get.

Wanting my dreams to happen right away.

But in your way the lesson you learned, patience must have her perfect turn…”

Long Time Comin’ - The Winans

Long Time Comin’ is the song that introduced me to the concept of retrospection. That album, and I’m talking about an actual album, was released in the early eighties, just a couple of years after I was born. It was one of many gospel albums in my mother’s rotation and I’m not referring to the typical late Saturday morning deep-cleaning soundtrack. Music, mostly gospel was a staple in our everyday life. We were only “allowed” to listen to gospel because my mother wasn’t about to have us influenced by lyrics like “yo mama on crack rock!”. You know, I don’t blame her although I still think she was being a bit extreme.

Because of her reasoning, and me being just a tad ahead of my time as very young deep thinker, I always listened to the words of songs. Like I said, I don’t completely agree with such strict parameters on entertainment, unless parental discretion is advised. But her efforts did play a major role in how I processed what I was listening to when she wasn’t around, micro managing my development.

“Mom what’s retrospect?”

“It’s when you think about the past, but don’t dwell on it. You look back to learn from your mistakes”

Now I’m six worrying about whether or not I’ve been dwelling on the last five years of my life. Considering that I was introduced to the concept so early, you would think that I’ve had a significant amount of time to practice letting things go. You would think that between six and somewhere around thirty-eight I’d have gotten it. Anyway, moving along before we waste time repeating how long it took..

Learning how to view my past as an observer was easy, it was the knowing what to change about myself that had me stuck in toxic loops.

There were a lot of things that I was doing during my early adulthood years that lead to many long, hard cycles. You’ve read about my relationships.

Well, the macro version.

The new me would tell the old me to just chill on dating until you’re at the appropriate age to date a man somewhere in his forties, or one of equal or greater value when it comes to maturity and being ready for exclusivity.

Now, and I think I may have said this before, I’m single for the first time in my adult life. I hear this term “monkey branching” a lot among today’s relationship discussions. It’s my understanding that this is a behavior attributed to women jumping from one man to the next.

That’s some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

If a person gets out of a relationship, and then enters into a new one, with respect of time of course, that’s moving on. Call it what you want but that’s one theory about women that I’m gonna leave alone, I just don’t agree with a person being demonized for moving on from something that wasn’t working for them and then be forced to lay low if that’s not what they want. I bring this up because I’ve been accused of it. So, I’ve decided to test it before completely knocking it.

Can I be by myself, get my shit together, and then build something with someone that is solid and can withstand life’s tests; which I’ve found to mostly involve hoes of all genders and money issues.

One thing that I can say, is that during this time I’ve been doing hell-a reflecting. 2021 was basically a period of poor decision making. My brain and my heart was completely off kilter. After a couple of rude awakenings in the interpersonal relationship sector, I made some major changes to my thought process in regards to my approach. I became more aware of the characteristics that were either a turn-off or simply pushed people who I wanted to be close to away. And I’m pretty sure it’s at least one more connection out there that will be coming to an end eventually, as soon as I accept it. And although I’ve made some major steps in the right direction, I’m still paying for the sins of my recent past, with the first quarter of this year being a big ass “L”.

As much as I hate it, I can’t skip this part. I need this time to get my head right. Lots of journaling, a little bit of screaming at the top of my lungs when no is around, and sharing my story with you all, has been the game changer for me.

Being alone has afforded me the time I need to really think about what needs to be changed. Right now, it’s me vs what’s been holding me back, which has been me this whole time. I have no desire to put my issues on anyone else. No I don’t want a man to finance “the things I desire” because I can’t. I want something harmonious and mutually beneficial. I want the man I share my life with to be happy as much as I want happiness for myself, and I really want it.

Looking back (in retrospect) I and anyone else with eyes can see that my worst choice was to not make a choice. I stuck around way too long at unfulfilling jobs and in non-mutually beneficial relationships. It’s sad really, to fight for the affection of those who don’t really fw you like that, like you could change their mind or something.
A lot of us are doing this every day, giving, no, exhausting all of our resources to prove our love with no reciprocity.

Listen, I get it. Trying to get people to like me is one reason I have all of these stories to share. It’s not an easy thing to break. But I’ll tell you this. Once you begin to consciously and actively love yourself, you’ll realize that you do have boundaries, and others realize the same.

“Your like is extra!” - Lisa Nichols

Excuse me while I smack myself.

Let’s go back to the eighties, and talk about one of the few non-gospel artists that was in semi-heavy rotation at our house, Michael Jackson.

It never crossed my mind that I would have to explain who this man was but I guess that comes with age too.

But one of M.J.’s greatest all-time hits to this day and beyond, is Man in the Mirror, from one of my favorite tapes, BAD. Mike wrote some great music man. I highly encourage you to pull this song up on whatever streaming device you use, or even you tube (free). Listen to the words. And if you’re in the crying mood, go ahead and watch Chris Brown’s rendition, where he performed it at the 2010 BET Awards.

In true Pisces form, I cried with him. As a self-proclaimed empath, I literally felt him. He had just had that domestic violence charge, barely into his twenties mind you. I know a lot of people was mad at him and so was I. But having seen my own mother throw a couple of blows, I personally wasn’t too quick to take sides. I felt they both had a night that they’d rather not have happened, but was past the point of no return.

That song, the words, Mike’s voice when he sings “this wind is blowing my mind”, and Chris’ public moment of reflection - it embodies what this whole blog is about in the first place.

My Man in the Mirror moment hit when I realized my life wasn’t a reflecting who I believed myself to be. My actions weren’t lining up with my vision. And get this, the process started YEARS ago. So yeah, it’s not an overnight fix by far. It’s a commitment to a new lifestyle, one where you are the change.

Once I took a good hard look at myself, and saw that it was more than my face that was scarred, but my spirit, I knew that If I was going to have the life I really want for myself, I would have to put in the work and make that change.

I had to first change how I viewed myself. Like I said, I’ve been in a cycle of exhausting my funds for likes, or to keep the peace even. Maybe it wasn’t a total waste but it’s definitely up there with the top two. Actually, that was one of the first things I cut out going into this second quarter. Man have I caught it. But you know what, oh well. One thig is for sure, and that is if I keep giving away all of my assets to satisfy others, I will never have anything. If I never speak up for myself, I will keep being disrespected and played by those who find nice people to be nothing more than easy targets for blood sucking. I’m just not doing it anymore.

My new series of self-reflective questions include, does this serve my highest good? Is this action in alignment with my heart’s desire? Can I even afford to help this person? What do I need right now? A couple of these came about in conversations with a friend who actually likes and respects me and want to see me thrive. I’m very grateful for her and she knows who she is.

But the bottom line is this. Regardless of whether or not support is present, things like self-esteem, ambition, and initiative towards one’s heart’s desire are an inside job. And as bad as I need a hug, and a few other things, I’m determine to step my game up first before putting myself back out there.

Now, when I look back in retrospect, I see my issues from a different pov, one that includes a solution and steps that I can take to avoid hitting the replay button. I’m ok with change, and honestly, I’ve learned the beauty of accepting it.

Now when I look in the mirror I see someone who is resilient, a little less fearful and a little more confident. I know if I continue to use my tools, like journaling, investing in various “Level-up” groups & divine feminine coaching, and then mentally and physically applying what I’ve learned about myself, I’ll get there.

And so will you.