HOOD-RATS

A Dissertation

I’m just gonna be honest, while it can be very entertaining at times, more often than not it’s very hard for me to watch. On a regular day, I can tolerate about five minutes of it over a span of twenty-four hours. Ratchetness ranks up there within the top two percentile of counterproductive behaviors. I really put some thought into this and I can’t think of a time where a person referred to a hood-rat, or ratchet hoe in a positive manner. Can’t think of one time. To be fair, I sat with this disdain and asked myself questions like, “Why am I so bothered by it?”, and “Is there anything remotely positive that I can attribute to this behavior?” Am I low-key jealous?

After really putting in effort to open my mind to the possibilities, here’s what I came up with along with a few personal lessons about my own ratchet tendencies. A little background as to why I feel as though we have a problem; we can start with how rat-antics affect interpersonal relationships.

Drama free? Where?! You are the drama!

Don’t you hate when you see a love and light post from someone you know is toxic af?

A few years ago, I witnessed an altercation between a dude and his ex. I felt horrible for the guy because you could tell he was really trying to avoid confrontation. What I saw was a woman who had no control over her emotions, to the point where she was acting out in a very irrational way. First it was the shouting and emasculating, then it was the finger on the forehead push, then she smacked him, then pushed him, smacked him again, and then the police came and she fled the scene. I was COMPLETELY confused because for one, it was my understanding that she left him to be with her side dude. So the fact that she was so angry at this man who she cheated on, and who knows what else, just didn’t make sense to me. I am pleased to share that this man has since moved on and is currently enjoying a healthy and fun relationship with a very kind and nurturing woman, who stuck with him throughout his healing phase. I can only imagine how hard that was seeing as though I’m just now fully facing my own trauma from a similar situation, almost two years later.

Now, I do NOT condone any form of domestic violence, and I understand there has been a bias against men for eons in these situations, but I’m pretty sure there are many cases where a man equally lost it after being pushed to the limit in ways similar to what was mentioned above. Being one who has also experienced this form of provocation, I can see how things can go very south, very quickly.

“This ghetto, ratchet bitch, this is who he left me for?” was my thought after having a less than pleasant encounter with my replacement. Another topic for another day. But the more that I learned about her the faster she went from hoe, to ratchet hoe. And it also affected how I viewed my ex, where I started off understanding why we were no longer a good fit to really understanding why we weren’t a good fit to begin with. I wasn’t crazy enough for him. That’s the only thing that makes sense, he wanted a lunatic and I just wasn’t bringing the heat. Based on who he’s with and what I know about her, all of the excuses he gave me as to why we had to break-up was bullshit because the exchange in overall value of her vs me, on paper at least, is way off. But, in all sarcasm, if she brings him peace, what can I say?

Along with ratchet hoes having a reputation for aggressively overreacting, there is the reputation for lack of sexual discretion. I can see how this happens.

I was ‘this’ close to becoming a rat.

Not long after the relationship with Red was over, I expressed my freedom to choose with whom and when I wanted to have sex. Thankfully, I didn’t go too far left, allowing myself to still have a redeemable amount of self-respect and dignity. As I said before and will say it again so it sticks, It was not worth it. I hurt a guy I really liked through this flawed way of thinking. Instead of going about things like a mature woman with self-control, or at minimum, more discretion, I adapted the rat mentality that “men are doing it so I can too.” Getting caught never crossed my mind because I wasn’t hiding. Now maybe I wasn’t totally sure how this dude felt about me, I couldn’t read him because I had zero experience with a real man. I assumed his laid back personality was a sign of lack-of-interest. So I literally didn’t think he would mind, let alone ask. I know, illogical. But we live and some of us learn.

Although fucked up, this was, I’m glad I never went full hood-rat. For the most part I still enjoy the benefits of having a the reputation of a woman who knows when to let her hair down and when to display poise and grace. I still respect marriage and I do believe in monogamy even though historically, with the one exception I shared, I’m usually the monogamous one in the relationship.

What I’ve decided for myself, is that I’m sticking to my principles. Because I know that I desire a relationship with a sexually compatible partner among other things, there is really no reason for me to be out here on the prowl. When you know what you want, you don’t have to waste time with what you know you don’t want. Having multiple partners/relationships has never appealed to me.

Now, having a small orgy (looks around for witnesses)… I’d never follow-through with one, but I do enjoy watching them.

I feel like, it’s ok to be a slut for your partner, I actually encourage it! I really do believe that there is someone for everyone. That handsome corporate guy can have his desire to be dominated fulfilled by a femme-Goddess-mistress every night if he choses the one who’s right for him, not who his friends and family chose for him (just throwing that out there). I believe role playing, well, has a role.

I remember in my early hyper-sexual, late teen/early twenties days, watching a late night show called Red Shoe Diaries. It was kind of like the white version of ZANE, for those reading this who are younger than us millennials, which means you probably haven’t heard of Zhane either, lol. Anyway, very few know I started writing erotic short stories not long before I was out of high school. A little embarrassed and worried that my parents would come across it, I ripped it up and got rid of all evidence it ever existed. I do remember the story for the most part, and plan to re-write it, but had I published that sucker 21 years ago I’m sure I’d be on someone’s list by now, it was a damn good story.

One of my favorite episodes of RSD, was the one where a housekeeper, discovers that the homeowners are bona fide freaks (much like myself). The housekeeper snoops around the luxurious master bedroom, where she finds a sex tape, wigs and a collection of sexy outfits I imagine the husband picked out for a birthday here and a Valentine’s day there. In efforts to seduce the pool guy, she dresses up in Mrs. Homeowners wig and one of her tight, little black dresses and models it for the cute pool guy in the window of the second story bedroom. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the husband didn’t come home early, mistaking the housekeeper for his wife, ‘awkward’. Don’t worry, it was a happy ending for everyone.

The reason this episode pops into my mind is the sex-tape, and how the room was discretely set up for the couple’s personal pleasure. I ascribe to the Time and Place law. There is a time and place for everything. A time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to work, a time to play, and a time to remove all of your sexual inhibitions so you can enjoy your partner and all of the things you both like to do.

So when it comes to role playing, I’ll allow it. Let your inner ratchet soar!

The need to go out of one’s way to prove they don’t GAF.

“Bitch I’ll whoop yo ass in front of everybody IDGAF!”

“Pull up!”

I still don’t understand the long-term goal of these sorts of interactions. Why do these women find it so important for the world to know how little regard they have for their reputation. Yeah, that is my consensus. Because what else could you possibly not give a fuck about? That’s the only thing directly affected by rat behavior, one’s public reputation. Once a woman publicly displays her lack of self-control, whether is coping with her anger, or mismanaging her pussy, her reputation is immediately affected. One of things that kept me somewhat in check as a teen and in my twenties was not wanting to be the topic of the hour. Now, I do not apply this to sex workers, who I respect. For me, hood-rats and sex workers are very different. Another topic for another day.

I’ve heard with my own ears, women who fall into the “they do it so I’m a do it” category being dragged through tar, mercilessly. Sometimes to their face even. Baffling.

Why is this a problem?

Respect, that’s why. These same “pull up” bitches be wanting men AND women to lick ass and grovel at their feet. And outside of of fetish role playing, I find this approach to be highly unreasonable. I’ve never respected anyone who’s expressed unwarranted aggression towards me. If anything, it’s caused me to lose whatever respect I started out with for the person.

A few years ago, I chose to pass up an opportunity to beat the fuck out of this woman, and believe me, she would’ve had it coming. Sometimes, I look back and imagine how it would’ve felt to snatch her by those crocheted twists and fling her little ass across the field for coming at me sideways, knowing I didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of her wrath. But you know how we do, we rarely hold the actual culprit fully responsible for the results of their actions. I don’t mean to speak of this woman in a negative way because for one she isn’t here to defend herself, literally. She passed away a couple of years after our one-sided dispute, leaving her cheating ass husband to enjoy her insurance money with another man’s woman from the same neighborhood.

I can’t make this up.

What I wanted, was for her and I to at least talk first. I wanted to share with her that in no way or form did I have anything to do her husband’s chronic infidelity. It was just one of those situations where everything backfired, me being honest, trying to be the bigger person…

I never viewed her as a hood-rat, just hood. She wasn’t a good listener, mostly angry or at minimum, not having the greatest attitude. But at the same time she was also funny, and when she didn’t have a wack-ass attitude I really enjoyed being around her.

This is the real reason I want to address this thing. I feel as though there are a lot of rats, hoes and hood bitches that started out as nice, decent women, but then something happened. There’s no avoiding the psychology of it all. Not if we’re going to be part of the solution.

Triggers

In what ways have I been ratchet, and what proceeded those outbursts? Here’s where the empathy comes in. You’ve already read how I define it, now I’m going to see how this definition can be applied to me, #selfwork.

Never put your hands on a man.

I hope this doesn’t backfire, but I admit having been involved in a few domestic violence disputes. I’m not proud, but I might have blew a dude’s mouth out once or twice. It did not go without punishment because please believe me when I say he did NOT let that shit slide. I’m happy to be alive actually. But I want to back up a bit and talk about how I even got to that point.

People who know me personally, and have known me for years would find it EXTREMELY hard to believe that I displayed any form of aggression towards anyone. Many think that I can’t fight. That assumption couldn’t be further from the truth.

“I just, I, I’ve never felt so much anger before. I couldn’t control it. I literally blanked out, I don’t even know how I got out of the seatbelt” - Me

”That doesn’t sound like anger to me, that sounds like rage.” - My therapist

As embarrassed as I was to share that incident, and believe me, it was very hard to talk about, I was equally relieved. Being able to label my emotion is what helped me manage it. It was the first and last time I fought a man. Or anyone for that matter. Through therapy, and with a desire to change, I learned how to manage this rage I was experiencing.

I’ve basically begged women I know who are having a rough patch to go and grab a therapist.
My ex- hussy was a habitual cheater, user and liar and it wasn’t until after the ring and us hitting six-figures that he got reckless with it. He dgaF! It became impossible for me to cope with how he was treating me. As hard as I tried to stick it out, I just couldn’t take it. I eventually snapped. But thank the divine goddess for the light!

“I’m not leaving my home, I want to make it work.”

”You can stay if you want to, but I wouldn’t want to be somewhere I’m not wanted.”

Actual conversation. When he said that, it was all I needed to hear. He basically told me straight up that he didn’t want me, and that’s when I threw in the towel. Tearfully, I started packing my shit.

It took me about ten years to get over that pain and the reality of how my marriage dissolved. I felt like a statistic. I gave every ounce of energy I had to that man and it meant nothing to him. It’s hard to bounce back from that.

I’m always looking at the why. And when it comes to rat-behavior, while it’s totally unflattering, I can understand how a woman can get to that point. Watching her mother be abused, constantly choosing the wrong partner, not having her own father present due to abandonment, a mother choosing a boyfriend over her own child, even poverty.
I really believe that it’s these sorts of things that lead a person to desperate actions.

Fear of being vulnerable is another huge one. For me, that explains the need to let the world know just how much they don’t care. And I get it, maybe no one cared for them, and now it’s all about survival.

I’ll end with this. While I disagree, I understand. However, it’s my hope that more women learn what it means to love and respect themselves. We can’t go changing up for the negative thinking that it’ll get us what we want.
We really need to look at our unhealthy behaviors, and think about how we got to that point. I believe if we take back the reigns to our life, really put an effort into thinking about what would make us genuinely happy, we’ll find that it’s true you get more with honey than vinegar, and chill on the threats.