Finally moving on…

Actual conversation.

Me: “It’s been over ten years, and I just cannot seem to let it go. I know this isn’t normal.”

Therapist: “Yeah, that is quite some time.”

Me: “I want to move on, I don’t want this to bother me anymore. It’s affecting my life in a bad way. I know I can do better than this.”

Therapist: “Good, this is where we start.”

This was the first conversation I had with my now retired, therapist, in early 2020. I talk about two separate sessions in this post that took place about ten years apart, so I’ll try to be clear as to not confuse timelines.

I decided to go back when realized my debilitating anxiety was beginning to resurface. If you’ve been following along, you’ve probably noticed that this particular session was just a couple of months before the marriage proposal I should’ve refused.

I may or may not have mentioned in another post that I chose to restart my therapy sessions at that time because I knew a break-up was on the horizon. I knew enough about myself that if I was going to move forward from my previous divorce while adding another huge breakup on top of it, I was going to need extra support.

One thing I was sure of was that I wanted change, and the type of change I was trying to achieve would require some level of professional help; I was long past the point of quick fixes. My issues had become pretty bad over time. Definitely not the worst out there, but bad enough for me to be labeled “Detroit-toxic”.

It didn’t take long for me to realize I was stuck in a loop of chronic hurt, but it took me forever to identify the repetitive behaviors that would start and restart these cycles of emotional trauma that have kept me from living my best life.

I had to process some very heavy thoughts and feelings. Hate, rage, the question of why I lacked so much confidence, feeling utterly lost more often than not, and being convinced that I surely landed on the wrong planet; “no way these are my people” I believed. Fitting in is still a major challenge (understatement) so I may indeed be on the wrong planet among other things.

Forgiving myself for time and energy wasted chasing the carrot.

What bothers me the most about all of the years I was a willing, yet unhappy people pleaser, is that I could’ve been living my life the whole damn time! I hate that I unnecessarily gave up so much of myself. The thought is nauseating.
I try to not beat myself up too much about it. But facing my truth head on has been the game changer. It’s why it’s called Self Work Hard Truths.

Now, as I wrap up these thirties, I find myself re-gaining a sense of identity as I re-learn who I am. And it’s definitely not the image that was projected onto me (the part that’s not my fault).

So basically, more work.

I just wanted to know what it feels like to be a “normal” person. Last time I remember feeling a sense of being “ok” was back in second grade, a long ass time ago. The diminishing of my confidence and positive self-esteem was a slow and deeply damaging process, requiring every aspect of my adult-self to come together and form Voltron to get through each interaction.

For perspective, second grade was over three decades ago. You can’t fix three decades overnight in case anyone is feeling ‘judge-y’.

I had to identify the emotion before I could process it.

Actual therapy session, birthday morning 2011.

Me trying to process what happened the night before: “I’ve just never been so angry before, I was so mad, I snapped. I don’t even remember how I got over there.”

There: The driver’s seat of my ex-husband’s car… that later came with the divorce.

Therapist: {Looks down at chart} “this doesn’t sound like anger to me, it sounds like rage.” she said while analyzing her notes.

Oddly, I felt a huge level of relief I felt after hearing those words. It was one of those Oprah “Ah ha” moments for me.

“That’s what this is.” I thought and may have even said.

“Rage.”

Once it clicked, I immediately began to experience a feeling of empowerment. By putting a name on it, I was able to identify the emotion that plagued my life since being married to the guy. It was a real game changer!

Moreso, I began to feel as though I was closer to solving the root of my problems. Yes, it would be another ten years before feeling legitimately healed, at least healed enough to receive some kind of love. With therapy, I was on the right track.

This particular session took place on a Saturday during Pisces season. Special because it was my 29th birthday (also, Google ‘Saturn Return’). And no. I did not schedule a therapy appointment on my birthday, not at all how I intended to celebrate, which I rarely did anyway. It was one of those emergency-calls you see in the movies, where the desperate patient is like “I need to talk to someone TODAY, no NOW, I need someone NOW”!

I remember being the verge of losing it and feeling very frantic that morning. It would have been a lot worse had I not had some level of self-awareness, a little something I picked up while studying & practicing Buddhism. At the end of the day, I’m glad I made that call. It was one of the many milestone moments in my recovery.

Literally, ten-ish years later I’m FINALLY over the divorce! Meaning thoughts of it no longer keeps me from going on with my day, or my life for that matter.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

You MUST jump off the wheel of toxicity!

#SelfWORKHARDtruths

Here, I’ll share an action or two of my own that I feel contributed to me creating a toxic experience for myself and that you should avoid. To bring balance to it all, I’ll share some of the actions I took that got me to this point today, where I feel a reasonable sense of personal peace.

Blaming Others

I found this to be one of the biggest culprits. I think there is a significant difference between holding people accountable for the energy they bring and making them accountable for your reaction to their energy. One is in your control, one is not.

I totally blamed my exes, and parents for my emotional trauma. And while they do share some responsibility for the damage, regardless of if they choose to admit it, the healing really started to happen when I chose to be responsible for myself - in all areas of life.

I AM responsible for my happiness.

I forget where I first heard someone say “you are responsible for your own happiness.” But I remember it hitting hard. I was like, “…damn, I AM responsible for my own happiness, ok. OK.”

It was something about those words that nurtured the idea in my head that I could be doing much better than I was. Putting the responsibility of my happiness and the quality of my experiences back on myself meant that there were some choices I had learn how to make and actions that I had to take, even if I was scared or uncomfortable while doing the action. It was definitely a process.

Respect the process

I say this a lot. And it’s a big reason why I’m able to give so much grace to others. I can relate to a PLETHORA of less than desirable experiences that result in extreme emotional pain. So please know that I do not take telling others to “respect the process” lightly, nor am I speaking from a place of insensitivity. I just know that there’s no shortcut to being and feeling healed. If you continue to ignore the need to process and understand your pain, it’s only going to get worse. It will begin to solidify its place in your mind and heart, taking up space that could be used for images of joy, happiness, self-actualization, and even love. And then it loops and boomerangs in your brain until you have to punch someone or something. Process, then release. Probably won’t even have to hit anything after that.

“Ok, what am I feeling, why, and what’s in my power to change.”

I’ve also realized that self-work is not possible if a person doesn’t know what to work on. So for me, the hardest part was knowing where to start. I’m not trying to scare anyone, but honestly, I started in a place of pain. Why? Because that’s exactly where I was. IN pain.

You have to start where you are.

As I continued down the road to healing, I discovered even more layers, a whole television series worth. I would overcome one thing, and then be triggered by feelings of resentment towards whoever I felt was responsible for me having to ‘overcome’ in the first place. Sometimes it can feel like the work is never ending and that would be true. But remember this, if it’s not growing, or moving, it’s dying. You owe it to yourself to continue growing.

Now, I hate to disappoint, but if you’re reading this waiting for me to give you the process, well, I can’t do that. It’s because we all have a unique situation. Your process is your own, unique to you and your perceptions.

I can tell you to speak up for yourself, but I wasn’t there when you experienced not being heard or understood. I can tell you to set some boundaries, but only you know the parts of you that require protection.

I say respect the process in the sense that this is the type of work that can only be done by you and in your own time. I’m guessing if you’re reading a blog called Self Work Hard Truths, you’re probably under enough pressure as it is. So don’t rush this thing, give yourself the grace you need to get through the process as it unfolds.

Just like in that Birthday-Therapy session, once I learned how to identify the cause of my pain, I knew when to say “FUCK THIS SHIT we not doing this!”

I hope that sharing this part of my story helps someone figure out what their next move should be in Moving On. I hope my transparency isn’t in vain. I know people will gossip and will assume they know who I am and everything about me. I knew that when I first started ghost-writing this blog. But part of my Finally Moving On has involved a great deal of me NGAF. The truth is, while I want to help others, I write for myself. I have yet to sell a book or edit an Ebony article. I like to write but my skills are a bit rough, and I don’t get much time to edit properly.

I’m putting myself semi-out there because there were so few resources that I had access to while trying to figure myself out. No one likes talking about their fuck-ups, and rightfully so. People know how to make a person feel like shit for mistakes and poor choices, enough to make a person not come back around. This was my experience and it’s very counter-productive.

But the real disservice happens when a person is experiencing their ‘Dark night of the soul’ with no reference as to how to come out of it. If you are hurting, you don’t have to hurt forever, if you ‘ain’t shit’, you don’t have to stay that way. Back when I was forced to go to church, they would sing a song during the come to Jesus segment, that said “when Jesus comes in, a new life will begin, and you will never be the same again”. This song used to make me cry and I never understood it until now.

With that said, change is very possible, but I believe it requires a person to at least be willing to move on. I would be a hypocrite if I said just let Jesus in, cause even he and I have an on and off again relationship as I’m also overcoming “church-hurt”. But consider what Jesus symbolically represents to many; forgiveness.

I think how you forgive is how you move on.

Let me know if this helps.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.